


[things you said after you kissed me] | [things you said after it was over]

by chrundletheokay



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Childhood Sexual Abuse, M/M, Parent/Child Incest, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, also Dennis doesn't rape Charlie in this fic, but there is a lot of Trauma Brain shit that may be hard to read if you too have Trauma Brain stuff, clarifying bc that seems to happen a lot on here???, or think you might have a history of trauma, seriously this is entirely trauma feelings And It Hurts, that's why I went with the Mature rating over Teen, there's no actual csa or assault or rape in the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-09-30 08:48:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17220737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrundletheokay/pseuds/chrundletheokay
Summary: It's fine. Or it isn't, but it will be. [early seasons CharDen, inspired by prompts going around tumblr: "things you said after you kissed me" and "things you said after it was over"]





	[things you said after you kissed me] | [things you said after it was over]

**Author's Note:**

> [TW: references to childhood sexual abuse by relatives]  
> [TW: in-depth descriptions of PTSD/trauma symptoms]  
> [TW: two canonically-shitty/unhealthy people trying to negotiate how trauma affects their relationship]  
> [TW/CW: brief but strong ableist language]
> 
> [CW: not to ~discourse~ bc that is the last thing I want, but if you have strong feelings about Charlie being ace, this might not be for you. I'm not saying he isn't, but this comes at things entirely from a trauma perspective. I vaguely recall discourse around this, which is why I'm mentioning it?]
> 
> prompts were taken from this lil dealio that's been going around the IASIP tumblr world: http://eversncenewyork.tumblr.com/post/110395333021/send-me-a-ship-and-one-of-these-and-ill-write-a
> 
> (do URLS work on here? we'll see!)

Dennis pulls back and lets out a shaky sigh.

“Charlie, you know I love you,” he murmurs, “but I don't think I can do this anymore.”

His thumb rubs absent-mindedly at his lower lip, a well-kissed pink, and he’s never looked more beautiful. Maybe that’s why Charlie’s heart feels like it’s crumbling into a million pieces. Except tiny fragments of his heart must be floating away, because he feels simultaneously lighter — just barely perceptibly lighter, but it’s weird nevertheless.

It’s confusing to feel both slightly better and the worst ever, all at once. To have that anxious twitching feeling in his legs telling him to run, to feel his skin crawling where Dennis accidentally placed a hand too light on Charlie’s waist, even though Dennis knows it’s only firm touches or nothing. Solid, convincing touches or stay away, don’t touch at all.

It’s confusing that he still wants to stay and make Dennis feel better. To hold him close and tight and say, “I know. I get it. I’m sorry.” Especially when Dennis’s face looks like that, like regret, like he fears he’s just broken Charlie for good.

But it’s fine, and Charlie isn’t broken, unless he already was long before this thing started between the two of them. That’s becoming less and less clear, though, the more he makes out with Dennis. Except Dennis didn’t break him, that much is certain. Maybe Charlie was born broken, or maybe the spirit of the Nightman shattered everything inside of him. Maybe learning to be okay with Dennis won't fix that. Maybe nothing can fix it. But maybe he doesn’t have to keep trying and keep waiting for it to get better. Maybe it can stay broken, at least for a while longer; perhaps there's a freedom in that, a release in the letting go of expectations.

It’s a lot to think about. It’s too big to think about, too scary.

With all the feelings in the way, no words will come out of Charlie’s mouth. However, Dennis doesn't know that, and is anxiously awaiting a response. So Charlie just nods slowly, and hums in quiet agreement, hoping his face says all the emotion words for him.

Words can be stubborn, like a tacky glue, half-dried, that sticks his tongue to the inside of his mouth. The other kids at school used to call Charlie retarded a lot, like when he couldn’t find any good words to say, or when he didn’t know how to make small talk, or when he said things that seemed weird to them — like one time, when some kids were talking about villains from comic books and Charlie explained that those guys had nothing on the Nightman.

“Charlie,” Dennis says again, and his voice cracks this time.

“I know,” he says at last. And again, “I know. It’s fine.”

And it is. Or it isn’t, but it will be. He and Dennis have done far worse shit to each other than mutually agree to stop making out. Or agree not to fuck, which they did a long time ago. That worked out fine, so why wouldn’t this?

Other people have done far worse shit to them, too. Like Dennis’s dad, who is barely around, but when he is, he’s basically a monster. And Ms Reynolds, who looks at Dennis and touches him in a way that makes Charlie’s skin crawl. And Charlie never liked being around Uncle Jack, or doing any of the stuff Uncle Jack wanted to do, but he doesn’t like to think about that.

Except that he can’t _not_ think about it, at certain times more than others. Like for a while, he and Dennis tried to Do Stuff Together; Charlie capitalizes it in his head, because summarizing it like that is easier than thinking about all of the real words for that stuff. Sometimes, just trying to say the words is enough to make him feel all gross and slimy and ugly inside. Still, he kept thinking he wanted to Do Stuff with Dennis, even if he didn't want to say those things out loud. But it mostly ended in Charlie having panic attacks, and even running out of the apartment — once, with no shoes and no jacket on, out into the cold and rain.

And then there’s that spot on his waist that Dennis just touched, that makes him flinch for reasons Charlie neither understands nor wants to understand.

Or once, when Dennis approached from behind and wrapped his arms around Charlie’s waist. Charlie didn’t know who it was at first, and his entire body felt like it was on fire with terror and with wanting to run. Even after realizing it was only Dennis, and knowing it was safe because Dennis is safe, Charlie still felt awful. Violated and out of control. The feeling seemed wildly misplaced and unwarranted and excessive, and it was terrifying to not understand where it came from, or why. But he couldn’t help it — he burst into tears. If that wasn’t bad enough, the horrified, hurt expression on Dennis’s face made everything worse.

That terrified look of recognition.

The way he backed off immediately, face pale, and held his hands up in surrender.

“You’re alright. I’m sorry,” Dennis said, and Dennis almost never apologizes, so that made it feel worse, too. “I’m not gonna—I won’t touch—You’re okay. You’re okay, Charlie. I’m sorry.”

He knows why Charlie is like this, even if they’ve never spoken it aloud. Even if Charlie himself doesn’t always understand why, or wants to pretend he doesn’t understand why, because _That_ shouldn’t be the reason.

Dennis knows; Charlie can feel it in his gut, and in the way Dennis walks on eggshells when they get too close. In the way Dennis learned all the rules, like how and where and why to touch or to not touch. And the way he doesn’t expect Charlie to do certain things, like take off his shirt or touch anywhere under clothes. The way he lets Charlie call the shots on what’s okay and what isn’t from day to day. And the way he accepts that Charlie doesn’t want to Do Stuff, even if it’s with someone as safe as Dennis, and not someone scary and bad like the Nightman.

Dennis has always been okay with that. Maybe it hurts him when Charlie flinches and jumps and backs away, but he tries not to let it show, because he gets it. Except he gets it in a different way. Because all the stuff that makes Charlie want to tear off his own skin is shit that Dennis loves and does seemingly compulsively. So they Have An Understanding. It makes Charlie nervous on Dennis’s behalf, worrying about the potential of him being hurt. But it’s Dennis’s body, so it’s his decision to make; and it works for them, so it’s fine.

Or it was.

Presently, though, Dennis’s eyebrows are furrowed. He looks deep in thought and upset, like there are a million horrible thoughts running through his mind all at once. Charlie doesn’t know what they are, but he’s fairly certain he doesn’t want to hear them. He doesn’t want to talk about things like: _it’s okay that you don’t want to Do Stuff_ , or _I don’t want to take advantage of you_ , or _I feel like a monster sometimes. I don’t want to hurt you._

Or: _You know I don’t give a shit about any of the people I fuck, Charlie. It’s you. It’s only you._

Charlie shakes his head, hoping to dislodge those thoughts.

“You’re okay, Den,” he says. The words finally come out easy, because Dennis has already said this for Charlie, and it was true then, even if it didn’t feel like it at the time. “You’re alright.”

But Dennis doesn’t seem remotely convinced. His eyes are glazed over and watering, and he's biting at his lower lip as he gazes just over Charlie's shoulder.

So, one hand solid and warm on each of Dennis’s cheeks, he waits quietly for that look of recognition on Dennis's face before leaning closer. It doesn't take long. He presses his lips once more against Dennis’s, soft and smooth and blush pink, cherry-tasting like chapstick, but not sticky like cheap lipstick.

Charlie has only ever kissed a few people, and none of them nearly as many times as he’s kissed Dennis. But he also never liked kissing anyone before Dennis. And Dennis insists that he doesn’t kiss the people he Does Stuff With; he says he doesn’t like doing that with them.

“It doesn’t mean anything. None of that shit means anything to me,” he insists each time. “This does.”

This thing with the two of them.

So Dennis has his own rules, and that’s cool. If one of those rules is _No Kissing Anyone Except Charlie_ , then that’s even better, because it means he likes kissing Charlie, and _only_ Charlie. That means Charlie is special and important to Dennis, the way Dennis is to Charlie.

For a while now, Charlie’s had a theory: if he never liked kissing people besides Dennis, and Dennis doesn’t like kissing other people now, that must mean their lips are a good match for each other. Like how two puzzle pieces fit together _just so_. With a little wiggling and jamming, other pieces might go together, sort of, but it’s not a good fit. He and Dennis, though, they fit together. Because Dennis is his puzzle piece. And he’s Dennis’s.

At least he thought so.

So he waits. Dennis leans into the kiss, but doesn’t touch otherwise; he just keeps his arms down at his sides. Tension radiates off of his body as he stands still and stiff, and it hits Charlie, painfully and solidly, like running head-on into a brick wall: Dennis is afraid.

It feels like an ending. Like finality. And it hurts.

So Charlie pulls him in and wraps him up tight in his arms. And Dennis, thank god, wraps his own arms around Charlie, just as firm and safe. And it’s okay.

“I love you, too, you know,” he mumbles into Dennis’s shoulder. “We’re gonna be okay, dude.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this up real quick after a migraine. FUN! I haven't edited it a million times, like I usually do before sharing my writing, but I can't stand to look at it anymore. also, can't decide if I hate it. so I may regret posting this.
> 
> tbh I regret writing it bc "I Am Shattered To Pieces!!!" I am v soft for Charden and They Deserve Better, the terrible garbage ppl. also? I desperately hope I didn't fuck up too badly in describing their relationship. how do you manage trauma in relationships??? we just don't fuckin know!!! and neither do these two! (or any of their other horrible friends, for that matter.) so uh, obvs don't take this as advice on How To Relationship.
> 
> also the changing verb tenses were intentional, but I hope it didn't get too confusing. what's that joke? "the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. it was tense." trauma just be like that sometimes, y'know?
> 
> P.S. a little PSA — never let Charlie Kelly near your jigsaw puzzles.


End file.
